my story: where the miracle lies

© 2008 diana m. hartman

I just didn't have it to tell one more soul
From beginning to end, how I came to be whole
But this man, he wanted to hear it again
New therapist, new doctor, here we go again
I'd wanted to say how I had to decide
How I might get the wish, then regret it for life
There just came a point in the course of my life
When triumphs, survival and hope brimmed with light
But I knew that my words would mean nothing to him
How you can't talk away someone's questions or whims
So I just turned away and I wished for him peace
'Cause I know that's the one thing we all get the least

I just didn't have it to tell one more soul
The prices I've paid, the sum of the toll
But somehow I managed, and for the last time
I'm telling you this, pay attention this time

"The depths with which joy has found ways to my soul
Were mercilessly carved out way too long ago
You're taking for granted that I've always been
This happy go lucky, that's not always been
What uncle called training and auntie called chore
Turned out to be making a six year old whore
What the neighbor called favor, the old men called dues
Did mercilessly strip back all color and hue
This voice that you hear every time that I speak
Isn't mine, it's a scar, when I cough it still bleeds
You don't want to know from where my joy now comes
It is not of this world, it's a world all it's own."

He listened intently but lacked all affect
I thought it a good time to explain how it is:

"Behind closed doors and dollhouses there is a world
Where grown people get sick and throw up on girls
Where boys who stand shorter than the edge of your desk
Are strip mined and thrown out for some madman's quest
It's not just third world countries or back alley ways
It's not just in the fields or out of the way
It's right here beside you just go on next door
Peer into that window and see what stains the floor
Draw back in disgust and then cover your eyes
The child can't see you, she already died
Oh, she'll get up and walk out but look closer still
She carries no blankie, just a half beaten will
Her spirit now shattered, she will give it away
To just about anything that shuts down the pain
If that doesn’t work, and it probably won’t
Her mind will shut down while her body goes on
Once grown she will jump from one 'love' to the next
And her body will shut down right along with the rest
Perhaps she’ll know why but she won’t know the score
She’ll just think she’s damaged all the way to the core."

I told him the rest of my story and sighed
He feverishly wrote up and down, side to side
He reviewed my two long ago MMPI's*
"Shut down", "Isolated", "Might take her own life"
He then pulled the one I took one week before
"Cries easy", "Gregarious", "Unfocused" and more
He asked if I thought it was right or untrue
"A bit heavy handed" I said, "but it's true."
He said it was good that I saw it that way
"Good that you see yourself accurately, eh?
He thoughtfully helped me lay out a plan
"Here's how you'll get your life back in your hands."
He took thoughtful care and I tried to take heed
But all I could think was "I'm still in such need?"
My goodness, I thought after all I have done,
The groups and the books and the meds, aren't I done?
The management classes for anger and stress
I did learn from these things even while still depressed
The one-on-one sessions, the hypnotist, too
The psyche wards, the recalls, I've done what I could
I'm not suicidal, not even depressed
I eat right, work out, and get plenty of rest

And as I sat there it occurred to me then
I've let myself be MMPI'ed to death

I'm not so ungrateful for all of the help
But there must be limits to "fixing" myself
I know it's a journey and there is no end
But what of who I have become through all this?
That test had no question 'bout my sense of humor
But damn if it won't say my soul has a tumor
It didn't assess, and I don't think it could,
How great it can feel to feel so good
It didn't reflect my compassion and love,
My creative flow and resourcefulness
Once back from the ledge, it's a whole different thing
The test doesn't show that or the consequent strengths

I'll probably never pass your MMPI
I didn't know that was the goal all this time
I've just had a dream and I followed it through
To be who I am and then love myself, too
It makes little difference when interpreted tests
Reveal my weaknesses and ignore all my strengths
What matters the most is the question unasked
"Do you love your life and does life love you back?"
My story, the details, those aren't just some words
You've yet to ask how much did all of that hurt
My God it was painful, I thought I would die
But I didn't...and that's Where The Miracle Lies.

*MMPI stands for Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory. It is an extensive
psychiatric assessment in a several hundred question true/false format.